SheWhoMustNotBeNamed
by musketau
Summary: Fun with Filch and Mrs Norris. Okay, Harry has fun. It's not so much fun for them.


Title: She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

Author: musketau  
Summary: Fun with Filch and Mrs Norris  
Pairings: None  
Rating: I'll say M for violence

Crossover: None  
Disclaimer: All characters are property of JKR and whoever  
else wants to lay claim to them. It's not mine, honest.  
Feedback: Oh, please!

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

By musketau

Harry looked at the people who had gathered in the Astronomy tower, staring at the unusual device made of wood and cords mounted where one of the larger telescopes usually sat.

Clearing his throat, he began "i know you are al wondering why i have called you here tonight. Tonight, we will see the first demonstration of my latest invention. One that will make late night rendezvous up here much easier".

Everyone looked at each other, still confused.

"What would you say is the biggest problem of bringing a 'friend' up here for some time alone?".

Susan Bones raised here hand and answered "Filch and that nasty cat of his".

Touching one finger to his nose, Harry pointed at Susan "Correct. But Filch doesn't come up here unless Mrs Norris" he stopped for a round of boo's, hisses, and the burning of Mrs Norris in effigy, "unless She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named brings him up here. Our enemy comes up, finds us, and then scurries off faster than Malfoy running to his father." An annoyed "Oy!" rang out from the back of the tower. "Sorry Draco, didn't realise you were here".

"So what is it?" asked Hermione, one arm around Ron "I know i've seen something like this before."

Harry continued "You probably have, although not quite like this". He stepped over to the device. It looked like a door laid on the ground. Across the middle was a set of twisted cords, in the centre of which was a post which turned into a bowl like arrangement at one end. In the centre of the bowl a hole had been drilled. The bowl was held to the ground by a hook, and the way it vibrated showed the tension it was under. What looked like a padded rail was mounted above the centre point of the door.

"She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named loves fish, just can't resist them, so a fish is placed in the bowl. A wire attaches the fish, through the hole, to this hook" Harry demonstrated, careful not to step over the bowl. "Anyone grabbing the fish- well, we'll see what happens soon, 'cause She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is on her way."

Everyone panicked, and Harry quickly calmed them "Don't worry, after tonight, Mrs Norris" pause for Boo's, Hisses, and an enormous flag of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named with a red circle and slash through it being waved.

"How the hell did you get that up here, never mind", he restarted "After tonight, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will never come up here again." Whistles, Cheers, and fireworks filled the air "Stop that!" Everything stopped, even the fireworks shut up and stopped firing in sheer embarrassment.

"Sorry" came from everyone.

"That's better, now everyone hide, and stay away from my new invention." In a minute, the tower was silent.

.

.

.

After five minutes, they got fed up.

"Where is she then, Potter" droo-, sorry, drawled Draco.

"Ah, that's right, weren't making any noise" Harry snapped his fingers, "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named only comes if she heres us making out, so get to it. If you don't have a partner, just hide."

.

.

Less than two minutes later, they could here the skittering noise of her claws, smell the rank stench of horrifying breath. Wait a minute. They couldn't smell that-... Harry turned and hissed "Crabbe, Goyle, go stand near Malfoy, and gods sake brush your teeth."

Ahem. They could hear the skittering of her claws. From the darkness of the doorway, 2 lambent green eyes glowed, moving forward sinuously to expose...a ratty moggy hated by more people than Jeffrey Dahlmer.

Her eyes almost exploded (filling the imaginations of the students with enough happy thoughts to power a phalanx of Patronus') at the sight of the fish. Dashing forward, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stepped onto the bowl and grabbed the fish.

There was a click.

The bowl sprang up and forward until the pole under it struck the padded bar.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was launched like an ICBM over the parapet.

Harry stood tall and said "Ladies and Gentleman, i give you the cata-" He paused and from the distance you could here the noise a cat made as it hit the Whomping Willow. It sounded like –pult.

Everyone was silent. They couldn't believe it. He'd really done it. Something Riddle himself couldn't do.

A deep breath was drawn in preparation for the celebration of the century.

"Where are you, Mrs Norris?"

Only desperate action and nearly killing themselves as they rammed their hands over everyone's mouth's stopped the boo's, but one hiss escaped.

"Are you up there in the tower?" Everyone looked at Minerva McGonagall.....What the hell?...Guess nobody liked the Mad Moggies Merciless Maniacal Machinations (don't you love alliteration).

McGonagall looked down and mouthed 'sorry'.

"Those nasty little students are up there, aren't they?" He was getting closer "We'll get them and string them up. We'll whip them and beat them." An ominous pause "And then, my dear, we'll sing opera to them."

Three people wet themselves, and the rest huddled together, in a different corner to the one's who wet themselves. Although, how do you get a corner in a round tower?

Anyway.

The only person not cowering, or trying to dry themselves out, was Harry. Instead, he strode over to a sheet covered object they didn't notice before, although how they did that i don't know, it was huge. Pulling off the sheet, Harry exposed an identical device, except this was larger, and baited with a beer and a packet of crisps.

He looked at his now interested audience "Did i mention it also comes in Filch size."

.

.

.

In front of Hogwarts, felt like a heartbeat through the ground, the Whomping Willow brought her enormous limbs down on whatever had hit her, disturbing her nap. First a car had landed in her, then a broom, now this. If anything else was thrown at it, they would see just how well this Willow could hit back.

With a twang, something much larger than the last thing came flying at the Whomping Willow, screaming.

Pulling back her largest limb, the Willow waited. If it was a fight they wanted, it was a fight they'd get.

Harry and the others were crowded at the side, watching Filch fly towards the Willow. The aim wasn't as good this time, and Filch looked like he'd miss.

With a sweet crack of Willow, Filch was flying back faster than they'd launched him. They could almost hear a nonexistent crowd roar it's appreciation at such a good shot. Like a, well, like a hated man who's been launched by finchapult to a whomping willow and hit back even harder, Finch shot over the group, who ducked just in time. Filch, still screaming, gave thanks he hadn't hit the tower. Looking aheas however, his screams became even more shrill.

The group in the tower ran to the other side desperate to see what made Filch scream like he was (rather than screaming like a man who's just been Finchapulted and hit for 6 by a Whomping Willow). Looking out, they watched (damn good eyesight they've got too, after all, it's dark, and Filch doesn't dress in day-glo like Dummydore) as he flew straight into the Forbidden Forest.

Harry winced. That looked like the area where the Acromantula's had there nest, although Aragog was unlikely to eat Filch, even monstrous Spiders the size of small houses have standards, after all.

Filch flew into the forest straight towards Aragog's lair, hitting a web on the way. The web was strong, and Filch managed to avoid all the sticky threads, but he was now looking like a tied ham trying to push his way through. Finally, the web slowed him to a stop. Opening his eyes, Filch grabbed the ground under him and kissed it. Good ground, safe ground. It wouldn't hit him, or throw him off a tower, although, it was rather hairy ground.

Looking closer, Filch saw 8 eyes open in front of him, the largest nearly the size of his head.

In later analyses, when collecting information for this work, no one was able to determine whether Aragog or Filch screamed louder, although everyone agreed Filch did scream more shrilly, like a little girl, as he lost control of his bladder and let go of Aragog.

This was a blessing and a curse.

A blessing, as this would prevent Aragog killing him.

A curse because, well, he was still caught in that web like Wile E Coyote in a giant rubber band. He had let go, and we all know what that means.

.

.

.

In the tower, people were just starting to turn to Harry to congratulate him after seeing Filch disappear in the forest. The dual screams brought all attention back however.

Filch now looked like a shooting star as a trail followed him, made of broken webbing and urine. Thankfully, he did not come back straight, instead shooting to the side of the tower, moving towards the Black Lake.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had just started getting her head together, after all, something as small as this wouldn't kill someone as evil as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Pulling herself out of the crater she was almost buries in, Mrs Norris (Boo, Hiss) was amazed to see the fish lying a few feet in front of her, nearly unharmed. Dragging herself across the shattered earth (the Willow had NOT been happy), she was about to grab the fish when...

RRRIIIIIIIPPPPPP

THUD

What many people do not realise is that the Whomping Willow is a form of Ent (don't own these either). She was in fact one of the Ent-Wives, who had left the Ent's after finally having enough of their arguments over watching the Cricket (well they had to leave for some reason). This meant that the Whomping Willow could move around, and used to do so all the time to confuse the hell out of the firsties that tried to use her as a landmark.

While i'm sure this is interesting, it's not a part of this story, so let's move on. The Whomping Willow, who's name was Wanda, had sent the screaming ball of filth, or Filch, over the castle, and had though that was it. Seeing him come back was too much. She wasn't going to stand for it. Pulling her feet out of the ground, Wanda moved to get the ball before he landed in the lake. Her first step, incidentally, squashing and picking up a small, homicidal, megalomaniac cat, which was squished again every second step.

Wanda moved as fast as she could to reach Filch and just caught him before he hit the lake. Her Forehand smash lifting him up and over the castle.

In the castle, the astronomy tower was like a tennis match, running from one side to the other because no one wanted to miss a second of this.

Filch was surprisingly still conscious, and regretting it every second. When his mistress, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, had created him as her golem, she wanted him to last, so he would. This didn't mean it didn't hurt to be used as first a cricket ball and then a tennis ball. And now he was going back into the forest.

Aragog had seen Filch leave and collapsed. That horrid creature had actually been on her face. Ugh!

Looking up, she saw him coming back.

Oh no!

Not this time.

Sending out orders, her babies quickly put up strong, elastic webs with no sticky threads. No way did they want this thing hanging around. He might put them off their food.

So when Filch hit the web, he didn't make it to Aragog. Several spiders attached threads to the web behind Filch and actually pulled him further back, tightening the web further. Filch gibbered, thinking they were pulling him in to be a late night snack. Yeah right. Once the web was as tight as it could go, the spiders moved it to the side, aiming for the centre of the lake. Then they let go.

Filch moved more like a rocket this time. A fairly shallow angle, with that much power behind him, meant he moved fast enough that the watchers in the towere barely got across to see what happened.

See Filch returging, Wanda pulled back to return the serve, only to find he was already past before she swung. Annoyed, Wanda turned to see their ball land in the lake.

.

.

.

Except he didn't.

Filch had quite been looking forward to landing in the lake. Sure it was freezing. Sure he had more broken bones than whole ones. But at least he wouldn't be getting hit about like this.

From deep in the lake, the giant squid had risen, drawn by the thumps as Wanda flattened She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He, because his name was Cecil, and no one was game enough to check if the name fit the plumbing, had great fun watching the games, until Filch came towards him. No way was he going to let someone contaminate his home like that.

Raising a tentacle, Cecil swung at Filch sending him back towards Wanda.

In the tower, everyone was silent. Decades of abuse were being returned this night, and it was all thanks to Harry Potter. Plans were made for shrines to be constructed in all 4 houses. They would be genuflecting to him now except they might miss something, and no one was going to miss a second of this. In the forest, several spiders, centaurs and Unicorns stood in mute friendship without even thinking about eating each other (those Unicorns were vicious), as they watched this new match.

Wanda looked happy, or as happy as a tree can, as her ball came back. Moving to the right, hearing a squeaking noise with every second step, Wanda waited.

Filch hit the ground in front and to the side of Wanda and bounced. Wanda could see his eyes widen the second before she hit him, sending Filch squealing, (well, she hadn't meant to hit him there, but that was how the Filch Ball Bounced. Now Wanda would have to make sure she was cleaned after this match) towards the lake. Filch struck the water at a low angle and didn't sink. Instead, he bounced up, right towards Cecil, who sent him right back.

5 minutes later, the Astronomy tower was lit up as Neville Longbottom spontaneously cast a corporeal Patronus. The flash was enough to shock Cecil who missed Filch. Swinging back quickly, trying to catch Filch before they lost their ball, Cecil accidentally hit Filch, sending him even further away. In fact, the conbination of Wanda and Cecil's hits were strong enough to send him out of sight, and almost into LEO (Low Earth Orbit).

Looking down, Cecil blew a few bubbles of apology to Wanda before sinking slowly into the lake. It would probably be months, if not longer, before they got such a fun ball to play with.

Wanda moved back to her normal spot and settled down, although she still could feel something under one of her larger roots. Twisting her foot a few times to push it into the ground, Wanda settled down to wait for the next game.

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was not impressed. Not only was she used in a catapult, and hit by a Whomping Willow, then trodden on and moved all over the lawn (including the manure piles near Hagrid's hut), then squished into the ground where she was now stuck. Not only that, but she didn't get her fish. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could see it, only inches away. Reaching out, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (okay, enough of that, her name was Cyril, because the man who named her didn't bother checking first. He was found 2 days later in a dumpster, missing his head), Cyril almost grabbed the fish when a flash of white feathers grabbed it and whisked away. Cyril looked up in hatred just as Wanda squeezed down and buried her roots solidly under the ground, taking Cyril with them.

Hedwig laughed, well hooted, at stealing the fish from Cyril, and flew back into the owlery.

Everyone slowly moved from the Astronomy Tower back to their rooms. It had been the best night of their lives but now it was over. But oh the stories they'd tell in the morning.

Filch actually didn't feel too bad at that moment. Sure, he was a bag of broken bones held together by pain, but at least he was away from anything that could hurt him. As soon as he thought this, Filch knew he was in trouble. There were certain conventions you didn't break. There was only one thing worse. Having had enough, he decided to do it. Filch yelled out, loud enough to be heard on the ground far below "At least it can't get any worse".

Consigning himself, he waited.

The 747 didn't know what hit it but something had. Later examination found a smear on the nose cone leading to one side, ending near the jets air intake. This at least explained why that engine exploded. But what had hit it.

Below the jet, what was left of Filch, for Golems are hard to kill, hit the ground like a meteor, punching into and through the ground in a seaside town near where a young Tom Riddle had visited as a child. Burrowing through the ground, Filch was surprised when he emerged into open space, even as the hole behind him closed. Below him was water, with a small island in the middle.

Guess where he hit.

Standing up, okay, dragging himself along the ground by a finger with only one broken bone, Filch reached a basin in the middle of the island. Thinking it was strange, Filch reached into the basin, or tried to. Feling the shield across the top, Filch knew it couldn't be good.

Seeing the Inferi rise around him, in a closed cavern with no way out, his only thought was "Typical".

END


End file.
